PCOD is the disease I am suffering with but today I’m more concerned about the emotions I’m suppressing and living with. I’m sure if I can deal with those, the disease will find its way out of my body.
My journey from Chetna continued to the Treatment Week… the discomfort that was creeping in; post the completion of the two-day workshop, it grew bigger and larger inside.
The morning of the start of the Treatment Week was lonely again. Though, I had my comfort with the Master (Naveen Sir), the coaches and the environment around, what was new, were the attendees of this workshop. They were the brave ones- the cancer survivors, the cancer patients, critical patients and their caretakers. Among them I found myself facing my fears once again.
क्या डर गयी तुम
एक बार फिर से
ज़माने से, हालात से
पर क्यूँ आज अन्दाज़ अलग है तुम्हारा?
आँखों में नमी
और साथ ही अंगारा
क्या नया हुआ आज जो
तुम ठहर गयी, हिचक गयी
बताओ ये राज खुलकर हमें भी।
क्या डर का स्वरूप
आज कुछ और है
क्या ख़लिश आज ख़ुद से है?
तो क्यूँ अफ़सोस कर रही हो तुम
होसला भी तुम्हारे पास ही है।
चलो, उठो यक़ीन रखो तुम
आज डर, तो कल जीत हो तुम।
Fear, that had lingered long, unsaid and untold. What if… I land up with cancer too, I often told my husband. My father-in law was a victim to this disease. I had this question always. He was a simple disciplined man with the best eating habits that one could define, no alcohol and no cigarettes. Then why? I was aware of his suppressed emotions, there was no real happiness for him. And I could see him succumbing to the disease in his last days. I could see that in me too.
I felt miserably hopeless. I was able to do NV Hunting and NV Swimming before that. But that day my heart was pounding, my mind was racing and I wasn’t at peace. I broke down.
While we were heading for lunch; the Master said, “Father gives the wings to fly, through his appreciation & protection. You felt unprotected. Hunt on him, find the lack? ”
It was then, that I got to know that it had something to do with my father. I was aware of the disconnect with my Mother, but I was thunderstruck then. The coaches helped me sail through the day making me understand other techniques to ease myself down. Anjana, Simren, Vandana, and Shabnam- thank you for watching out for me then.
We went through the techniques in detail in the coming days- NV Swimming, NV Hunting, Circling, Death Spell and Breathing on Sexuality. Each one of us was given time-to-time guidance to hunt on our parents. And it was during this time, that I recognized the emotions for my father and most astonishing is that I never knew that they even existed.
What was unique about the Treatment Week was it’s all-embracing individual connect that we built with each other. From a 21 year old to 70 year old, we all could connect with each other at different levels. I was amazed by the courage, attitude and will that most of them displayed. It felt like we connected with each other in its purest form.
We had an interesting session with the Master, wherein we wrote our characteristics and found its lineage (from father or mother). This helped me understand how I took onto these from my parents exactly the way I took their physical features. Simren, took an interesting session too on our beliefs on Food and Money. Once we did this exercise the results were telling tales of our being, how we had knowingly or unknowingly kept them with us and have accessed them from time to time to make our decisions in life. She also worked with us on Sexuality, which made me realize how important it is to keep the life force energy flowing.
While hunting on my father I was not able to move beyond a certain point and it was then the Master took over to heal me of my past. And it was magic after that.
My patterns started to show up and tell me my real self. Separation anxiety, Attention seeking, Insecurities, Fear, Guilt, Shame and the Pandora’s box opened.
The pain and need of the group was such that the Master concluded the week with a healing session, for which I will be ever grateful. Each one had a unique experience. I had a beautiful experience, wherein I saw myself dancing in my old home restoring my space as my child. How could I have had this experience or dreamt of anything like this?
And one of the most emotional moment was when my short 2 minute- films were shown during the workshop and accepted with so much appreciation and understanding. How grateful and blessed I feel today to have spent those days with all of you. Thank you everyone for giving me so much love and warmth.
The 3-week long home support started with my coach Abha. I was totally glued to the techniques and kept myself least occupied during this time. I did not want the Cure to slip from my hands.
Abha, had given me the courage to face my pain. She had been my constant support and guide after the treatment week. And then, the weekly arrival of Master on the whatsapp group gave new vigour to this journey.
During this time, I recognized the emotions I carried from my Mother’s womb.
I understood it was never ‘you’ (with context to my previous blog) but my patterns, my beliefs and my past, which had framed my life till date. My family and friends complimented me on how I was glowing on the outside. But from the inside as well, I was feeling lighter, happier and much more at peace. And most importantly I saw a change in my conversations. They were more authentic, no people pleasing actions and the child-like smile was back. I have started writing again.
Know what, PCOD is the disease I am suffering with but today I’m more concerned about the emotions I’m suppressing and living with. I’m sure if I can deal with those, the disease will find its way out of my body.
If you have heard of the song by Indian Ocean (Raghu Ram) from the movie Masaan, my journey looks very similar.
“Tu Kisi Rail Guzarti Hai, Mein Kisi Pool Sa Thar Tharata Hu.”
I am still jolted with the facts I have understood about myself and a lot is yet to be discovered. I am grateful for where I have reached and longing to continue the ride with its share of ups and downs, pain and bliss and with a new learning about myself everyday. With the hope I’ll find myself somewhere, sometime aligned to my spirit, I wrote this small piece:
कई बार लगा,
मंज़िल के बिलकुल हम पास है
बस, यह क़दम और हम उस पार है
सोचा, ख़त्म है अब सब दो मुहे वार
तो ठहर गए, सम्भले अपने प्राण
आँखों पे ना हमें था यक़ीन
ना थी ज़माने से ज़्यादा कुछ उम्मीद
आगे का मंज़र देखो कुछ ऐसा था
एक भूलभुलैया से हमें अब निकलना था।
कोई साथ होता तो शायद सफ़र ये आसान होता
गुमनाम सी इस ज़िंदगी का शायद वो मशाल होता
अब जो हाथ नहीं पकड़े है कोई
अब जो साथ नहीं चले है कोई
क्यूँ ना इस भँवर को ही गले लगा ले हम?
इसे ही अपना बना ले हम?
अब इस बार,
उड़ान तो हमने भर ली थी
चुनौती तो हमने दे दी थी।